Make it Count

Im in week 3 of a cold/flu/sinus mutation-illness. Can't seem to shake it, and no matter how many dual-action Ricola's I take, I still don't sound like I should. If anyone else out there is dealing with this super bug I wish you comfort and speedy recovery. This is definitely not fun. Despite feeling cruddy I came back to work after a pleasing holiday and didn't take any sick days.

Usually, I go through this time of year with a calm yet strong feeling of reality twinged aggressiveness. My heart and brain automatically switch to survival mode. I do this for my own personal reasons and past...events. In the recent years we've seen the economy become what it is and it seems like even before turkey day the news is hitting you with every bummer report out there and how politicians are fighting about issues ranging from campaign music to foreign situations. By the time the jolly fat man makes his way to your hometown, you are either sick of the whole damn thing or terrified.

2011 has been a hell of a up and down year. Not just for me personally but for a lot of people. The "perk" of living in a small town such as I do is that I hear about everyone's story (even if I don't want to) in one way or another. I try my best to keep to myself, focus on my situation and I can't tell you enough of how much I dislike the gossip aspect of a community but every now and then word comes around that someone you know is having a tough time. Either they no longer have a job, home, or there is violence, alcoholism, drug use-name-the-ailment in the home. My town has seen such a rise in suicides that it wasn't a matter of when, it was how many this week?

My job(s), although I am grateful for everything they have provided me have gotten to me emotionally more this year than I can remember since I ever was first employed. I deal with people every day who are rude to absurd levels because they can hide behind a phonecall or a title. I'm embarrassed to be associated with such people at times. Both culterally and professionaly. I can honestly say with true sincerity that I am not blowing that sentiment out of proportion. People got to start putting themselves in check.

I'm not a New Year's Resolution type of person, never have been. But sitting back and reviewing my past 12 months on this earth has been interesting. I've had to do some housecleaning when it came to people who I once had viewed as friends and despite not admitting this to many, I was really hurt by thier actions. I wrestled with (still do) the fact that I may or may not be ready to get back out there and trust someone in an romantic way. It depends on the day truly. I learned through experience how much I'm willing to endure and how to stand up for myself when I need to, and finally I learned that I should not limit my capabilites with anything. Self-improvement is a continuous process, it never stops even if you feel like giving up. I am much more independent and I appreciate the way I think things through, it's saved me a bunch of trouble. I gave up cigarettes and even though I miss em' sometimes, it was the best decision for me health-wise. There was a lot done this year. I made it through.

I can't change everything that I deal with, I can't change those rude people but that's alright. I can keep myself in check.

It's all a test.

Happy New Year and Holidays Everyone

Lucerne: A Portrait

A seasonal backyard-crasher.
I was pleased that he wasn't scared of me or the camera.

Calm Grace

A pic taken last month, I so do love my camera.

My moon, my man, so changeable and such a loveable lamb to me. My care, my coat, leave on a high note, there's nowhere to go but on. Heart on my sleeve, not where it should be, the song's out of key again My moon's white face, what day and what phase ? It's the calendar page again. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. My moon and me not as good as we've been It's the dirtiest clean I know. My care, my coat, leave on a high note There's nowhere to go, there's nowhere to go. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. My moon, the moon, my man, my moon, the moon, my man. My moon, the moon, my man, my moon, the moon, my man. - Feist

Its The Way She Moves

A common misconception that most people have about me is that they think I'm tall. This isn't true at all. I'm probably what is considered as "average" 5'6", nothing special. But I do like wearing high heels and find it pretty easy to walk around in any 3 inch heel without any problem, there have even been times were I've had to sprint in them. Entertaining to watch, but trust me, it takes skill. I like that about myself.

I mentioned the height thing because lately, it seems that there has been something or other just ready and willing to knock me down. Whether it's people, accidents or my own insecurities regarding life, my career or whatever - I'm always fighting to keep going, fighting to make it through. Sometimes I win, sometimes I'm flat on the floor trying to cover and protect the vulnerable parts. My mind is always set 3 steps ahead of whoever may be wanting to do me any type of harm.

Today, in the midst of chaos I realized that I go through my existence like I'm 6 feet tall and that is what people are seeing. Maybe this is the key, the clever trick. Maybe I'm only fooling myself. But if there's anything I've learned it is that whatever does it for you is alright. I used to be embarrassed of my opinionated self, I used to tone it down when people challenged me by being judgmental. Doing that caused me nothing but headaches and anxiety. But you know, I'm finding that there's nothing wrong with a girl (even a short one) that has a backbone. I like being tough and feminine all in the same body. Sometimes it seems that there's no guy out there who wants anything to do with someone like me, other times I could care less because I'm selfish and I enjoy my independence.  


Bottom line, if you see me walking your way, you better be ready. 

Open Your Eyes

Oh what these eyes have seen
They've held your attention
Confronted your glory and shame
Softened the verbal attack
Ignited passion upon command
With a simple gaze or
A smoldering once-over
Looking through and through
At what is and isn't visible

The Sad Truth - THE ISOLATOR

Well, both funny and sad.
Sometimes I think I need one of these things to help me forget about everyone and everything that gets me stressed. Other times I worry that this is what I'll look like in a few years if I don't get my ass in gear and get out there and meet people...
What's the true rule of measure when it comes to wanting privacy, enjoying being alone and loving independence?

Knock Knock, Who's There

A quick note to those kids who plan on knocking on my door, trying to score free candy tomorrow night:
NO WORTHY COSTUME, NO FUCKING CANDY.
That is all.

Bloomin'

Never in the Daylight

What am I doing with you
Oh, what you do to me
You steal a kiss but I
Do nothing to stop it
I play innocent bystander
But somehow I think you
Know that I'm the better thief
You have the control
But I pull the strings
A feeling tells me
That you're fine either way
Its a two way street
We just pass each other
On our way to somewhere

Heavy Metal Thunder!

Had a hell of a weekend taking pics (and having a good time) for the 1st Annual Route 66 Rockin' Rally! It was nice feeling to see people participating and hopefully next year it'll be bigger and better. Thunder Valley Rally is next! Woohoo!

A Quick One

That beautiful machine

that body beautiful

racing through the sky

leaving no trace above

Fly Me to The Moon...

When you live where I do, you grow up with the notion of planes and trains. Our lil' town is situated where SantaFe still has a deep presence and the fire season means slurry bombers can be seen within feet of the rooftops. I love seeing these things take off and land because there is so much power involved in the process. Its something I'm not afraid to feel. I wish it was like that with all things...

These are a few pics I took before I got my new camera. I'm learning as I go.

Have a good one.

The Loser

I anted up, laid it down the best I could
The bar set high with mounting anticipation
Watching your hands work in rhythm
Mixing sweet, melodic concoctions
Unknowing that you’d do the same with me

You’d select me off the shelf,
Use the right amount, careful not to spill
Work the elements, chill and bring me to your lips
Enjoying how wonderful I’d feel
Satisfying the long deep thirst

But the happiness short lived, the talk grows
Quieting a buzz-worthy thrill of high altitude
Because with the fun, there is always withdrawal
Moral depraved we may all be truthfully
There are always those who falsely claim decency

You’re the dark heart of man, thrashing heavy
To them you’re the Loser in the gossip
It’s alright with me though, it’s not a reflection
Rather an opinion and we all have those
I do understand the hustle, the want, the game

But the name does suit your style I have to say dear
Revealing what it could be like to finally misplace
Every hurt caused by someone else in our lives, we’ve taken a beating
Never going to forget the consideration you gave me in the night
That seems to be lost everywhere else during the day

Somethin To Think About

I wish I was responsible for writing these lyrics, but sometimes you gotta give credit where it's due. Singlehood has its great freedoms, but passion between two people is a beautiful thing.

Meshell Ndegeocello - Loyalty
they were both young
he believed in himself only
in his oversize dickeys cinched up way high
she lived in her books and fantasies
they both searched for some sort of loyalty
when they made love begged each other just don't betray me
come be with me
soothe my broken heart
show me loyalty
her mother's heart has been shattered
told her daughter to beware
both secrets and dreams you should never share
trust only in change 'cause hearts change
but betrayal always feels the same
but with him she found loyalty
come be with me
soothe my broken heart
show me loyalty
'cause like a child you will never want for love
'cause all that i have i give to you
come and take my hand and share your life with me
'cause you are my soul and i will always love you
come be with me
soothe my broken heart
show me loyalty
i'll be there for you
right there for you
come be with me
soothe my broken heart
show me loyalty

Wild Thing

The Kansas boy done good.

I had a ideal morning, a visit from my Dad and a nice lunch with family. It seems like one of those quiet days where nothing much is going to happen. Where the heat from the sun is the only thing having any effect on your patience and the breeze swishing by reminds you of times when you were younger and happy to be without responsibility.

As you may have noticed, I have given a deep, deep devotion of myself to all things film. I am a lover of cinematic situations. I respect the thousands of golden hour scenes I have witnessed, I pledge eternal loyalty to the characters; underdogs, lovers, fighters, bad guys, put-apons, takers, thieves and selfless givers, you name it, it's been done. In reading that today was Dennis Hoppers last day on earth, a little part of me went with him.

To see a passionate person such as he was on screen, to be a little afraid and wholly intrigued by him at the same time was such a treat for me. The wildman. Free spirit and indulgent creativity meeting somewhere in the middle of a crazy existence. He portrayed what some people wish they could be full time. Living life by one's own terms. He will be very missed. So with heavy heart, my hat's off to you cowboy.

1936-2010

"I am just a middle-class farm boy from Dodge City and my grandparents were wheat farmers. I thought painting, acting, directing and photography was all part of being an artist. I have made my money that way. And I have had some fun. It's not been a bad life."

Today's Tidbit: A Bigger Part of Something

The intense energy that surrounded the 3 people would've been enough to shatter the mirror behind the bar; million shards of glass hurdling, breaking the sound barrier. For that quick moment, the two men eyed each other, so damn aware of their differences, not just in appearances but life in general. The girl in the middle of it all let her head toss side to side as if some invisible force slapped her back and forth with a cruel palm and backhand. In some sick way a grin spread across her glossed lips, and the rum rolled on her tongue and gave her bittersweet satisfaction. She played it all up with her legs, her arms, her history with these two forces - they were in her element.

A Current Situation

Oh, she could pinpoint his voice anywhere! Even in the busy diner she overheard his laugh and conversation. It snaked its way through the crowd of demanding, hungry people to her ears like a good, soulful song that she hadn't listened to in awhile. The smile in his tone was melodic and his sense of humor was a one of a kind rhythm. She instantly wondered if he had seen her come in and take her usual spot in the dimly lit corner, behind the always-filled coat rack. She liked that certain booth because it allowed her to unwind with some privacy - something she always had too little of – while still being able to observe the entire room. It had been an unforgiving, cold morning, with too many annoying disruptions, and all she had been looking forward to was meeting friends and consuming a fattening, double-melt, heart attack on a plate, tall Coke and fries on the side. Serious reconsideration was now being given to that craving; the last thing she wanted was for him to see her purge frustration and stress with empty calories and cholesterol. She rubbed the back of her neck and kept her eyes to the table, perhaps to keep the half formed smile on her face hidden. Her day had just gotten a hell of a lot better. Soon she wouldn't be sitting alone, and there could even be a slight chance of a "Hello," or "Good to see you," coming her way. He was an acquaintance that had never been available, neither had she for that matter, the timing was always wrong. They’re friendship that went years back was always just one big suggestion to something more. They never openly spoke about the attraction, but it was an understood feeling.
Even with the prospect of all the social fulfillment that was possible, she couldn't help but scold herself for venturing out of her apartment without thinking twice about what people were going to see when they looked in her direction. Her hair was wild and untamed, only held together by an array of elastic ties and knots. The make-up she applied all too quickly in the cab was hardly was enough by her standards, so she covered the top-half of her face with large sunglasses that ventured straight into Jackie Onassis territory. Yet, like any woman in her prime, she wore her clothes and accessories with a humble confidence and gave the aspect of deliberately projecting a bohemian image, as it is the fashionable thing to do. The thing now days seems to be that the more you make it appear that you don't care about how you look, the more you actually really do give a damn. To anyone else she is visually pleasing, but today, it was only his opinion that mattered. She peered at him through the dark lenses but the lack of light was restrictive and made it hard to see his lovely features. That didn't matter however, because she had memorized them well already. Her thoughts about that were: when you don't get to see a person everyday, especially when you have a thing for them; you learn to retain specific knowledge about them to help you get through the dry spells.
He had what could be considered a family with him; a tiny, white-haired grandmother type that seemed to have a questionable interest in her soup that she shakily swirled her spoon through, an aunt or perhaps his mother sat across from him, her voice a little too loud but affectionate. He only seemed pleased with, and not with the older company out of forced duty but of purely just wanting to be there. The girl’s concentration was only interrupted when she saw her friends walk through the door. She quickly straightened her hunched position, took off her shades, and shot a zinger of a smile in their path as if to say “Who, me, spy on anyone? Don’t be crazy!” Her two acquaintances, Anita and David, were a married couple with a sixteen-year age gap on her. Both in their late thirties, they were always open-minded, there for her when she needed someone, and somewhat parental but without the requisite guilt mothers and fathers can oftentimes heap upon their offspring when lending advice. However, it was a win-win situation; at twenty-four, she gave them a sense of youth and free-spiritedness that they enjoyed wholeheartedly. After the usual hugs and hello’s they got down to the business of ordering food and catching up.
Even with the exchange of witty quips and humorous sentences regarding life in general, the girl was still somewhat distracted. Her glances in the beautiful man’s direction became longer each time, her lips shifted to a half grin when she noted that they were finished eating and ready to pay the check. Suddenly, in mid turn, as he was getting up to leave, he seemed to have recognized her and stopped. She felt her heart tense and slow down the entire world like some sort of mystic clock. A voice inside her brain screamed, “Wave stupid, why can’t you wave at him!!!” Her inner, repressed, brave, woman had started a physical chain reaction; it was as if an invisible force lifted her slender wrist off of the table and moved her hand back and forth. She was beside herself with fear, but it felt good. The man waved back and mouthed “Hi.” As he walked to her booth she desperately tried to control herself to not just jump and tackle him right then, and there. The demure side of her personality won and she remained in her seat. He spoke first, “I guess you didn’t want to cook either.” His smile was genuine as she answered. “I’m here with friends, when did you get into town?” The man began to zip up his jacket, “A night ago, but I’m heading back home later today, right now I have to get some errands done.” She knew exactly what he meant by “errands” and figured that his now ex-girlfriend that she heard about was moving out of his place as they were speaking. “I hope to make it back here soon, take care and I might see you again.” He reached with his arms for her and she calmly returned a strong hug.
As he was still bent and close, she felt a small kiss on the top of her head. Too small for a public display, but so meaningful she slightly gasped. It was the first time in the six years of knowing each other that he had crossed that line. He stepped back, confident, fully aware of his actions and looked straight into her wide eyes. Before he turned, a small nod and smile told her that it really was what he had meant to do. She watched him pay the cashier, leave, and disappear with the traffic outside. David, on the other hand, who like any married man was oblivious to the monumental romantic storm of the century that had just hit the diner head on, continued his with his point on new versus pre-owned vehicles. Anita, who never missed anything, leaned in and gave the girl a knowing expression. “What was it that I just witnessed?” The younger of the two leaned in as well and slyly sidestepped the question, “You were witness to a change of luck.” Anita giggled at the response and shook her head in disbelief. David, not taking his eyes off of the food that just arrived decided to put his two-cents into the discussion and said, “I think that its time you start being yourself again, you’re ready, I saw the way he looked at you.” His words drew them all back to reality and even though she didn’t say anything, the girl, deep down agreed with him. For her own breakup had been well over months ago. Out of all of her friends, these two people were her main support and counselors through that horrible time. Because of that she felt grateful for them and happy they were in her life.
After dinner they decided to go downtown for awhile to check out shops and unique stores. The mood was fun and relaxed but she caught herself a couple of times, looking around to see if maybe she’d have some chance of spotting another glimpse of him. Though she didn’t for the rest of the day, an instant replay of that hug played over and over in her mind. Each time it ended she would smile before it instantly started up again. Before saying goodbye for the evening to her surrogate parents, she was asked again by Anita who that man was. “He’s just an old friend actually.” The girl brushed her hair out of her face and hoped that the subject would be forgotten until the next time they got together. Anita, transitioning from a young wife to seasoned pro, still had questions in her head. She still remembered what it was like when she had first met David and couldn’t get enough of him. “Well, I don’t think he’s just an old friend of yours anymore.” The girl laughed despite herself and told Anita, “I hope you’re right.”

The Quiet Path

Fallen leaves on the ground
They found me
Waved the girl in lovingly
Showed me the way
As the worn streak of earth
Curved like my heart once did
Gone, the desperate past
It had taken my sight
Stolen my strength
Unlike the distant running water
Dissolving my reputation
There's such a calm here
Either you feel it or you don't
I'm no longer fighting
Fists to open palms outreaching
Creating a crease in the breeze
In this emotional wilderness its
So easy for you to survive
Man doesn't exist
Solely to take you down
Any further than I have been
Raw energy of the setting sun
Tells me to smile and breathe
Doing just that is all I need
Because I've done my time out there
Beyond the tall trees
Deep in the canyon of city buildings
I hand over my fears
My choices will prove pay-off
Clarity screams at me
On the quiet path

Long Time Coming

Wowza. It's been a crazy couple of months. I promise to not leave all two of my readers down so much this year. I've got some stuff stored up in my brain that I need to get out.

Out and About: Photography

Passing Through

The Lonely Road

Fly Me Away