Leaving on a Jet Plane Pt. I

So I missed out on a Chris Isaak concert last night due to scheduling and traveling issues. I compensated with playing Grand Theft Auto for an hour or two, basically forgoing the missions, boosting only the fast cars and motorcycles from poor, helpless civilians, killing in the name of greed/money and taking long, scenic rides by the coast of San Andreas and other gang infested areas. Even with all the fun mayhem and ultra violence of the street, I'm still none the less bummed this morning. Top that off with having to come to work on little sleep and I'm a serious risk.

I have an opportunity to be blogging from California in a couple of months. Not to live (but who knows), just on a short and much needed vacation. The prospect of having fun in another state, drinking incessantly, writing, meeting new people and drinking incessantly with them sounds great and fun. I can't really wait to get out into the sun and get a decent tan that doesn't involve pain and red skin.

The great thing about this certain trip is that I'm going it alone for the first time. I've always been in the situation of traveling with family, friends or groups. I am looking forward to being solo on my way to the coast. Not having to small talk, explain or entertain anyone but myself. Nameless and unknown in the terminal, getting my cute suitcase (that I just bought for a damn good price) off of the carousel and eventually/silently catching a cab that will take me wherever I want to go.

To be continued...

Nothing Like a Sunday

I don't know what it is but you got to do it

I don't know where to go But you got to be there

I don't know where to fall

But I know that its comfortable where

I don't know where it is

Putting all of my time In learning to care

And a bucket of rhymes I threw up somewhere

Want a locket of who Made me lose

my perfunctory view Of all that is around

And of all that I do

So I knock on the door, Take a step that is new

Never been here before

Is there anyone else who's too

In love with beauty

Playing all of the games

And thinks three's company

Is there anyone else who has slightly mysterious bruises

I don't know what it is

Sick of looking around at friendly faces

All declaring a war on far off places

Is there anyone else who is through

With complaining about what's Done unto us

So I knock on the door

And I am on a train

Going god knows where to

To get me over, To get me over

Give me heaven or hell

Calais or Dover

I was hoping the train

Was my big number

Taking the Santa Fe and the Atchison-Topeka

But we're chugging along, put Dunaway by the crossing and

Could be heading for Portland, or limbo or Lower Manhattan

Find myself running around

I don't know what it is to get me over

I don't know what it is to get me over

I don't know what it is to get me over

To get me over

You gotta do it.

You gotta be there.

Here with Me

Yes yes kids, the times are a changin' (hopefully for the better- well find out in the long run). I figured that I needed a piece of that change too.

I've always liked this picture. What is he walking away from (or to?) Is he going to take the lit path or the dark alley? It reminds me of my own journey, and that kind of anxious uncertainty you get from being afraid yet determined. When you've been burned so many times before but this time might be different and when you think you're done and had enough, then keep going some more.

I find that it helps being thankful for the little things. The sun rising and setting each morning for example. Knowing that there's a 100% possibility that the sun will go down to the west and give off such a brilliant sky gives me something to strive for. I want to see the sun come up and warm the cold, blue hazed atmosphere that I travel to work in. I want to see the people I love, and let them know - even when its hard - that I do care for them. I have to work on the things that aren't healthy for me. I can't run for a cigarette (Even though I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to) when I'm stressed. I need to let go of the stress and not take things personal. All of these little things I need to have with me every day. Regardless. When you lose track of who you are as a person, there's no other harder consequence to take. I hope to keep this up for as long as I live. There will be days when I give up, but only temporary. I have nothing or no one but myself to rely on.

As the days come and go, I note only the progress I have made with certain issues in my life. I've gotten rid of the people who do me no such good. I think about them only to remind myself of the better times I spent with them and to be more aware of the potential for bad times with others. I've forgiven them (and myself) for every sort of hurt that we have caused each other. That was harder than I thought.

With all of this rambling I guess I just mean to say that I'm a happier person than I was a year ago. I just have to keep on walking.

Put Em' Up, Knock Em' Down

My God, the world can beat you down, knock the air out of you and then double-check to see if you're still alive by giving you one last punch. However, the human ability to basically push forward, come out of the deep end and keep going is amazing. How much can one take? This week has been a showcase of death, tragedies and hard times that have come upon the people where I work and who live in this small town I call home. Has it always been this way and I'm barely noticing, or has it grown and crept up like some monster that I was afraid of as a kid??? As far as trying to get along with people (family/workers) forget it. I don't want to say anything for concern that my head is going to be bit off and spit into the parking lot. Kids, things just really suck right now.

Have you ever thought of when it comes down to the wire and shit gets really bad, how are you going to help yourself? Are you going to fight or lay down and take what's headed your way? I am a constant believer in the first choice but even now, this very second, I've got a very little amount of optimism floating in and out of my brain. Perhaps I need to pick up where I've gotten lazy on this little journey of mine and carry on with or without anyone. You can never really stop growing, it's a lifelong process. I still yet to learn how to listen better, say less and let others go. Those three things, when I see them in writing are a hell of alot easier to type than accomplish.

Take the advice from Mark Twain:

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. It owes you nothing. It was here first."

Scream, cry, drive, or dance, just get it out of your system and don't hurt anyone you didn't mean to. If your day is bad, I wish you a better one tomorrow. You're not alone. Not by a long shot.

And to all a good night.

God Don't Make Lonely Girls

It's a cold, rainy and dim day here in Nowheresville. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it immensely. There's just something about days like this where it seems that I'm in another place. Sort of like enjoying the muggy scene in Seattle, or walking the damp streets of New York. The way my voice always gets that little twinge of Demi Moore-esque huskiness. Dunno why, but these pictures just cap it off nicely. I'm a sucker for good b/w photography.

Insight of an Oversight

I love this song and vampy lyrics, when the brilliant and fun Rufus Wainwright puts his spin on things, its even better...

Leonard Cohen-"Everybody Knows"

Everybody knows that the dice are loadedEverybody rolls with their fingers crossedEverybody knows that the war is overEverybody knows the good guys lostEverybody knows the fight was fixedThe poor stay poor, the rich get richThat's how it goesEverybody knowsEverybody knows that the boat is leakingEverybody knows that the captain liedEverybody got this broken feelingLike their father or their dog just diedEverybody talking to their pocketsEverybody wants a box of chocolatesAnd a long stem roseEverybody knowsEverybody knows that you love me babyEverybody knows that you really doEverybody knows that you've been faithfulAh give or take a night or twoEverybody knows you've been discreetBut there were so many people you just had to meetWithout your clothesAnd everybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsAnd everybody knows that it's now or neverEverybody knows that it's me or youAnd everybody knows that you live foreverAh when you've done a line or twoEverybody knows the deal is rottenOld Black Joe's still pickin' cottonFor your ribbons and bowsAnd everybody knowsAnd everybody knows that the Plague is comingEverybody knows that it's moving fastEverybody knows that the naked man and womanAre just a shining artifact of the pastEverybody knows the scene is deadBut there's gonna be a meter on your bedThat will discloseWhat everybody knowsAnd everybody knows that you're in troubleEverybody knows what you've been throughFrom the bloody cross on top of CalvaryTo the beach of MalibuEverybody knows it's coming apartTake one last look at this Sacred HeartBefore it blowsAnd everybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsOh everybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knows

Today I made, what I consider a big step into full adulthood. I got up this morning, skipped breakfast as per usual and got myself to work through the morning cold only a minute late, did what I needed to do and then at 9:20 AM, made my way to the Latter Day Saint's Church aka voting center and did my thing. Under my terms, my decision and will.

Being a voting virgin I like to think that I had a good experience and I definitely will do this again next year. After placing my ballot in the machine, I got the complementry sticker and walked through the front doors feeling a little hopeful and a little uneasy.

What's going to happen? Who's going to take over? Will things get better or worse, will we leave Iraq and all the places where we are not wanted and get back to the problems here? Stuff is up in the air, that's for sure, and the unsure reality is frightening... Its a time of change and purpose and we're all in the middle of it.

I didn't start my blog to be a political place. By no means. But I can't help but talk about this election race, the start to finish of dog determination, lies, magic tricks and grandeur (and I'm just talking about McCain's campaign) and the idea of a president of a unique background, someone who's "been there". Hold on tight lady, were going for a ride...

No matter how you voted, the outcome or who you chose, it's a good thing that you did. In a time such as this there needs to be passion and bravery. We'll see tomorrow...

Almost as Good as New...

I can honestly say that it takes more than a year in some cases to get over the traumatic, horrible hurt that someone you once loved and trusted can cause in your life. For me however, its been a time filled with discovery and recovering some type of understanding as to how things are and could be. My future has the posibility to be wonderful and exciting mixed in with a little recklessness and spontaneity.

I've learned to say "fuck you" to those who do me no such good and have opened my arms to those who truly are with me in mind and spirit. As I've said before, a friend once told me that the best revenge is living well. When I think of all the crazy pain I could of put him and everyone around him in, I have to laugh and remember that the grass may not be greener on the other side and whatever he deserves is heading this way, even without my help.

Love and depend on yourself first, and hope for the best later. It may not always be a smooth ride but hell, as long as you take something from the journey, apply and use it for the good of the cause then you have done something extraordinary.

I had honestly thought a year ago that today would be one of the worse days of my life and I still wouldn't be over my ex and miss him like crazy, unable to function like some pitiful shut-in. Maybe at that time I took my will for granted and my pride was wounded, maybe I didn't have enough faith in myself like I do now, but I sit here smiling, and telling my story to you lovely people with the most clearest of thoughts that I've ever had in my entire life. I realized that I'm rapidly forgetting the sound and tone of his voice, the way his face held his emotions and decisions, the way he let me know he was in the room and in my bed. I'm leaving it behind. Maybe that's what its all about, learning to let go as well as holding on to what is important to your survival, your truth and life.

Kiddies, take care and remember that there is two sides to a coin and either it's a step back or forward that can make all the difference.

An Open Letter: Recipient Confidential

My oh my, whomever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you. Things might not of went the way you originally imagined but I still enjoyed myself immensely.

I don't really know you, and I may never get to, but that doesn't bother me one bit. The tenderness and concern you gave me at that moment was unlike any other. The conversation gave me hope.

A big secret that I can tell over and over to myself.

Until next time (if there is one),

- Your Little Hopi Girl

P.S. I could just die when you grin and laugh. I've never seen anything quite like it...

Birthday Wishes 10*9*08

Even from a young age, listening to my parent's worn down copy of Rubber Soul and A Hard Day's Night, I loved him so much for how he made me think and feel. While getting lost in the mood that his lyrics put me in, I realized that this music was influential at a time when the discovery of one's abilities to create beauty through any art form was a pure, undeniable treasure.

I can certainly say that both his work with the Beatles and solo projects that followed later on throughout his career have gotten me through some really tough times. Some sort of strength always manages to puncture through the vocals and tells me that things are going to be alright. Even when crying for the hell of it out of anger and frustration and feeling truly and mercilessly self dependent, I am never alone when his voice is in the room. I'm not afraid to admit that one of the reasons that keeps me from packing it in and quitting is John Lennon.

Writing this makes me realize that I've forever been too protective of myself, my heart and ability. Seriously, never really opening up to those who expect so much of me all of the time. Will I ever get past this attitude? Is it my possible struggle throughout life? Did Lennon feel the same way? I guess the human experience is basically chalked up to resiliency and courage. I need to let go and move on. Focus on the small things like getting up each morning, how good it is to hear real music, how to fall in love again, how to allow myself to be loved and know that I deserve it, and most importantly, how to live and make new moments to replace all that I've endured. I owe it to the Walrus...

ThE aNnIvErSaRy

The calendar days
rip off the walls
tear down the stale wait

I can see it now
the end closer and
waiting for me

I've never been
so, so happier
than ever even imaginable

New things go and
old ways come by
into the picture

Finish line confidant
gracefully radiating through
my body and soul

I can laugh better
than all you know
and still be me, dear

Hearing the news
of what he hasn't
been up to

But I'm not sorry
just a little dream
and a hopeful way

Holding myself
responsible and at peace
resting by my side

A loaded weapon
that I'm not afraid
to use

I am still moving upwards
there's no one
to take it away now

You wild, crazy, beautiful thing.

1925-2008I had a week off of work due to too many piled-up, untaken leave hours (533 to be exact). Today, I'm sadly back to a job that I don't really care for but it pays the bills. Even more depressing was reading the bad news while on my morning net surf. A man that has thrilled and inspired me ever since I first moment that I saw him had passed away on Friday. This is kind of tough to understand. In some way, I had chosen to believe that Paul Newman was immortal, someone who'd we have around forever. Maybe that's what would happen if I had my way with everything, but I guess the man upstairs thinks a little differently.

One of my favorite movies is Nobody's Fool. I tell you this because I think the little extra push of talent behind every role that he undertook made all the difference, even in smaller films you can tell that he gave it his all. Newman's Sullivan was crabby, sarcastic and a little mischievous when it came to women. Someone you can be pissed off and laugh with at the same time. His acting made you think, made you fall in love and took you away from your problems for awhile. He sure did for me.

Thank you for humanitarian work, thank you for the films, memories and images. Most importantly, thank you for showing me that raw emotion and a passionate spirit is beautiful and something not to hide.

H. E. Double Hockey Sticks

Wow, I just looked at the last time I checked in with you all.

A lot has happened during this little hiatus. We had to say goodbye to a fantastic comedian and brilliant soul man in the same weekend, Phelps has won his 80th gold medal and some insane band of "researchers" with too much time on their hands have found bigfoot and claim to have the real deal chilling on ice like a bottle of Moet.

Lately I've been struck with a situation at my job. I usually don't choose to elaborate what's going on in my professional life with strangers on this blog, but the events that may or may not happen are ones that are going to turn my life upside down regardless of outcome. Its not a secret that you can't trust anyone in business, but my god, you have to have a little optimism hidden somewhere behind all the bitter knowledge and cynicism. Otherwise, how the hell else would you survive a nervous breakdown and not bring an M-16 into the building? It just seems that in the 5 years that I've been at my company, I have had to constantly fight and negotiate with people who have it in for me with no real reason other than I work harder than they do. I know I'm sounding amazingly pitiful and whiny but I shit you not, some of the people I work with are fucking crazy and have been there a tad too long...(c'mon, you have to at least know one stupid twat where you work too, if only you had 5 extra minutes, rope and a shovel). What's irking me is that at 23 I have forsaken fun, an actual life and have sacrificed care and commitment in personal relationships to the grind of work. When is it time to pack it all in and call it a day? Do I stay for the cause and reverse the injustice of how I'm treated, or do I flip the bird at my superiors and go on a long vacation after I turn in my resignation? Only the coming weeks have my answer. Even with everything they are not knocking me down. I can bet my entire 401K on that. I'm at a crossroad and holy hell, all the directions are unclear.

Readers (all six of you), if you are having a hard time with something or someone, the situation doesn't matter, you have got to fight as hard as you can, as long as you can. Be one step ahead and cover your bases. Nothing scares bullies more than being outsmarted. They may have the big mouth or the muscle but you will have something way more powerful in creativity, fearlessness and passion. Show them your heart and you will win.

Keep those gloves up.

King of Cool

One of my favorite movies. Can't beat a classic.
McQueen always seems like someone a girl can be protected, terrified and loved by all at the same time. Either way, win or lose he's got your back.

On the Other Hand

There's just some things that happen all too abruptly, but they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world I have to care about.

His name was Wilbur, and I didn't even know that until 3 minutes ago.

You see, most of the time, when running to the store for milk, bread or things I don't really need, but just want to spend the money on, I like to make sure that I don't leave the house without at least checking my appearance (make-up, high heels, clothes). I can't help it, I was brought up that way. In my closet you will not find a pair of sweats or even pajama pants that some girls seem to believe look "cute" during the middle of the friggin' day in public (it's July for godssakes people!) - but I digress. The only problem with ensuring that I look presentable, it attracts annoying googly eyed men who are starved for somethin' young and different from what you usually find at a small town Wal-Mart.

But on one of my trips, when I wasn't feeling to well (or nice looking at that) I was in the produce section looking for something to munch on that I'm not allergic to; I felt, in the back of my head, that someone or something was staring at me. I turned to see a very short, light-skinned man that was robust and round but had a very full head of black hair. He smiled a very full-watt smile that for some reason, made me react with an instant smile. With a equally cheery hello, he nodded in my direction and for once in along time, I wasn't upset with being talked to. For the next couple of years after that, whenever I saw him, the smile and jolliness never faded and it was always a very nice, change of pace feeling when he asked me how my day was. Mind you, I'm not usually treated this wonderfully everyday. I started going to bingo (yeah, like an old lady, I know) to keep my thoughts off of the daily grind and he and his wife were there also. Two very nice and friendly people who, in my opinion, were the sweetest individuals who didn't even need to be. I almost gave up on thinking people were still capable of being that way.

Later on, after thinking he was full-bred Hispanic, he shocked the bejeezus out of me by speaking in perfect Hopi (1/4 of my tribal belonging.) With this nameless guy that I knew, who never objectified me and always treated me with respect, I am just utterly saddened to hear that he died in a car accident coming in from out home (a phrase we Natives use when you go to your family village, whether it be Second Mesa or wherever). I'm speechless at the thought that I never took the opportunity to tell him how nice he was and how much of a blessing he was to just even say "good afternoon" after I've had a bad day. I will miss him and I need to carry on what he has started in me. Be friendly to everyone, live happily, because you just never know.

I felt like the guy in Shawshank Redemption...

Last night proved to be the most fun that I've had in such a long time. I admit, my "going out" policy is too strict and I perhaps don't allow myself enough opportunities to relax like I really should. Even the complements I recieved from random men was a new experience. But rockin' in my seat and listening to B.B. King offer up some simple but useful knowledge from the stage was enough to make me realize that despite some setbacks, I am ultimately in a good place in life. I dunno, maybe it was the atmosphere and the night air, or maybe it was the Mississippi boondock blues that made me think clearly. Either way, I was deeply satisfied.

Well everyone (yes, all...3 or 4 of you), I believe that a long chapter (one filled with twists, turns, splendid ups, miserable downs and occasional dissapointments) in my life is finally coming to an end. Just as the rain hits the ground outside, I am left with the hope that the one person in this world who has caused the most hurt in my romantic life (so far) is starting to fade away into oblivian, out of my head and he's taking another what I consider "nuisance" down with him. For those of you who are currently going through a break-up of some sort. It's important to remember that as long as you are breathing, you're winning. As long as you stay strong, they weaken, and in the end, when you're out there, truly living for yourself, you have made it through. Today was sort of an odd expression of joy and exhiliration, everything including the weather catered to my heart.

The question now is will this beautiful feeling last? Will the new idea of this freedom I have aquired define my life in positive ways? Will I stay this thin and glam? Whatever happens, whatever may be brought to my doorstep, I'll be ready for it. If I've made it this far, why stop and give up? If you're going through this readers as I have, and you've been treated with disrespect, please stay in the fight and knock them on thier ass any way you can. We don't know what's on the other side of the tunnel, we can only hope we are prepared.

Well,

I'm a mess this morning. 'Nuff said.

Alright Ladies!!!!

Happy Fourth of July!

Land of the free, home of the incredibly well sculpted...

Tumblin' Dice

What the hell is happening? Carlin dead at 71? There's gotta be some cosmic balance thing happening soon because all the cool, funny people are leaving. Flooding and fires are rampant, gas prices are a joke, my car is acting up....

I'm going to go to bed, knowing full and damn well that it's going to be the same when I wake up tomorrow.

Say your prayers chitlins'

YOWZA!

So I've been literally operating on criminal speed for the past coupla days. Work, school, homework, more work, crash for 4 hours, get up and do it all over again. "Shotgun Summer" classes is the most insane event that you could put a mind through. Cramming a 500+ page book with 50+ chapters on a subject that is pretty boss but requires full attention within 4 measly weeks is by far the most batshit idea that I've had in years. (Ok, not really, but I don't kiss and tell.)

Anywho, for most of my life (you know, since I was like 3) I have felt a little bit on the outside of things - more than any regular kid would. Even in romantic relationships, I've never felt comfortable enough to fully let myself go. However, over the years I have grown to like my awkwardness, I relish the idea of being "different". This ethic was tossed upside down about 4 days ago...

In taking classes, writing, experiencing and living freely the way I want to, I have realized that I am now more in tune with myself than ever. Did I therefore lose my true self that I had grown to love before, or maybe just improved upon it? Dusting a surface to reveal the shine?

Sociology is something that I've been wanting to get into for a long time. My tendency to overanalyze things and sitting back to observe the chaos has come in mighty handy. I may of finally found a place to belong to. Whenever I set foot in that classroom I can breathe. Watching the information fly over the heads of my classmates and straight into my ears is a wonderful sight. I guess everyone has thier own place in this world. Do what you love, love what you do; that sort of thing. But I want so desperately to see where this first step may lead me. I'm changing so much and so quickly, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and fun.

Then again, I'm running on empty and little sleep.
It's a proud tired.

Take care all.