Monday, April 13, 2009


Something of mine that I found while rummaging throught my documents...crude and unpolished, just the way I like it.

For something as simple as going for a walk in the evening, she found a remarkably amazing ability to clear her mind of nagging worries and import brand new, clear thoughts at the same time. Going round and round on the simple gravel track and hearing the distinct sound crushing of dirt and earth under her worn out shoes calmed what charged emotion she had running through her body. Her breathing became rhythmic and the digital form of life-evolving music climbing up through the baby blue cord of her headphones gave her a reason to have that slight but noticeable soul to the swing of her hourglass waist and hips. Men drove by and stared from the road that was separated by a chain-link fence that failed to keep out stupidly bold comments and crude disrespect. She kept going despite the pain in her back, the ache in her hands and the twist of her right knee. Laughing to herself at the fact that she and others had indeed broken parts of her body and bone that were strictly taken for granted at the time of injury.

One step after another and the change of pace allowed her to coast easily, reminding herself that ancestors once walked the bearing strait, creating history. Walking. Her own attempts times over to get away from a bad situation in her youth. Walking. Wild and unforgiving with no immediate direction, a busted lip or a busted face. Walking. Choosing to leave three men who fiercely proclaimed undying love for her, but she never could fully believe their pleas no matter how hard or soft they played her. Walking, walking, walking. She reminisced about those long, hot days in the valley with no money in her pocket but instead possessing a free, unhinged, graceful feeling in her punk heart. Black mascara and three shades of blue in her long black hair forever covering an small face with wide, impressionable almond-shaped eyes, exotically arched eyebrows and a grin to get her way through.

The slick beat of Marvin Gaye’s “Inner City Blues” brought her back down and she regained the focus she had started out with. Knowing that someone out there expressed their troubles in such a beautiful way can lift up a unlucky spirit even on the most difficult days. Out on the track there is odd peace, the dusk sky a brilliant work with pink, blue, purple and gold coming together to take her breath away and she‘s the only one around to notice it. Do people even realize how absolutely gorgeous that is? Are they too wrapped up in the bullshit of work and backsliding complaints about things that aren’t really worth the trouble? That understanding made her thank the creator for times like this, like being let in on small, wonderfully delicious secret. Good times were few and far between.

Her pure competitive nature urged her to get ten miles in today. The small argument between her suggestive impulse and body went on for a few minutes until an inner drive to push her limits eventually won and took over. The eastern breeze cooled her brow which had begun to moisten and the cold water from the tiny bottle she carried was welcome on her tongue and went down with a sigh. The jeans that she had stolen years ago from a laundry slid down like they were ready to be taken off and she rearranged the belt that was there more for decoration purposes than function due to the extra slack of the band. She embraced and welcomed the weight loss she had encountered during the past eleven months. The light coffee (with a hell of a lot of cream and sugar) color of her skin complemented the shadow of her visible collarbones. Her long legs and arms stretched out like tree limbs and she noticed the difference and felt taller. Break-ups always seemed to do her some good as far as looks went. There was always some physical positive that came out of the end of a relationship. A new reincarnation to behold, lovely things about herself that she had neglected or forgotten while in the middle of being with someone. Her dedication to that person was unwavering. That was just her style.

This was the longest that she had gone being single and every day fascinated her in some way or another. Of course there were ups and downs galore but that was to be expected. A few nights ago a young couple kissing under a street lamp made her hurt and angrily remember the ex-fiancĂ© she had to let go of, but then just last night she was happy and content to sleep alone and have full control of her daily life. She wanted nothing more than to throw rocks at those stupid kids swapping spit and mono through strawberry lip gloss and braces. She new better because she was in the exact same place eight years ago (no braces or mono though). The painful process of the entire implosion of the seemingly unbreakable bond that she and him once shared was like traveling on a long road in an unfamiliar place. The car’s gas light is on empty and there is no station for the next seventy miles. You got a flat tire as well and no spare, scared as hell to lose control, you continue on even when you know its not a good idea. His choice of cheating partner and immediate blatant refusal or recognition of remorse nearly destroyed what she had left of prospect for actual love to exist. There was no fucking way that someone could just live and be completely happy with someone. They had a good run, but didn’t quite make it home.

After she accomplished what she set out to do, she made her way back to her car. Rummaging through her back pocket to get the key and turn the ignition she bid goodnight to the sun and went for a quick drive. The Chambers Brothers on the dial, talking about time. She turned the volume up and hit the main strip of her small town. The buildings incredibly old and dirty, not taken care of. Broken glass was lit by the neon motel signs creating a unique jeweled landscape. A slight gust of air caused the rusty dirt to come up over the sidewalk and into the street. The tiny granules stinging and covering her like a unwanted blanket through her open windows. Sad and pathetically underdeveloped, this is where she is from. She wondered how long this place would last in the future as she turned right on Third Street interweaving traffic to get past the slow drivers that felt 15mph was somehow making great time. I’d never need a car in San Francisco she thought. Not downtown anyway. The bay area had stuck with her deep. A short trip she made last year had made all the difference when her relationship hit a brick wall. She was looking forward to going back some day and making amends to the guys she turned down when she was unavailable due to an engagement ring. The entire city ran through her blood still and she believed whole-heartedly that she was meant to be there.

Pulling up to the front of her little brick apartment she took note of the mailbox that held all of the early part of the month’s bills. Back to reality so suddenly when just half an hour earlier she had found enlightenment. Surrounding clouds looked heavy and she rested her head on the steering wheel before gathering her things and rolling up the windows. The now stronger wind had brought the scent of rain, pleasing her.