Put Em' Up, Knock Em' Down

My God, the world can beat you down, knock the air out of you and then double-check to see if you're still alive by giving you one last punch. However, the human ability to basically push forward, come out of the deep end and keep going is amazing. How much can one take? This week has been a showcase of death, tragedies and hard times that have come upon the people where I work and who live in this small town I call home. Has it always been this way and I'm barely noticing, or has it grown and crept up like some monster that I was afraid of as a kid??? As far as trying to get along with people (family/workers) forget it. I don't want to say anything for concern that my head is going to be bit off and spit into the parking lot. Kids, things just really suck right now.

Have you ever thought of when it comes down to the wire and shit gets really bad, how are you going to help yourself? Are you going to fight or lay down and take what's headed your way? I am a constant believer in the first choice but even now, this very second, I've got a very little amount of optimism floating in and out of my brain. Perhaps I need to pick up where I've gotten lazy on this little journey of mine and carry on with or without anyone. You can never really stop growing, it's a lifelong process. I still yet to learn how to listen better, say less and let others go. Those three things, when I see them in writing are a hell of alot easier to type than accomplish.

Take the advice from Mark Twain:

"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. It owes you nothing. It was here first."

Scream, cry, drive, or dance, just get it out of your system and don't hurt anyone you didn't mean to. If your day is bad, I wish you a better one tomorrow. You're not alone. Not by a long shot.

And to all a good night.

God Don't Make Lonely Girls

It's a cold, rainy and dim day here in Nowheresville. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy it immensely. There's just something about days like this where it seems that I'm in another place. Sort of like enjoying the muggy scene in Seattle, or walking the damp streets of New York. The way my voice always gets that little twinge of Demi Moore-esque huskiness. Dunno why, but these pictures just cap it off nicely. I'm a sucker for good b/w photography.

Insight of an Oversight

I love this song and vampy lyrics, when the brilliant and fun Rufus Wainwright puts his spin on things, its even better...

Leonard Cohen-"Everybody Knows"

Everybody knows that the dice are loadedEverybody rolls with their fingers crossedEverybody knows that the war is overEverybody knows the good guys lostEverybody knows the fight was fixedThe poor stay poor, the rich get richThat's how it goesEverybody knowsEverybody knows that the boat is leakingEverybody knows that the captain liedEverybody got this broken feelingLike their father or their dog just diedEverybody talking to their pocketsEverybody wants a box of chocolatesAnd a long stem roseEverybody knowsEverybody knows that you love me babyEverybody knows that you really doEverybody knows that you've been faithfulAh give or take a night or twoEverybody knows you've been discreetBut there were so many people you just had to meetWithout your clothesAnd everybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsAnd everybody knows that it's now or neverEverybody knows that it's me or youAnd everybody knows that you live foreverAh when you've done a line or twoEverybody knows the deal is rottenOld Black Joe's still pickin' cottonFor your ribbons and bowsAnd everybody knowsAnd everybody knows that the Plague is comingEverybody knows that it's moving fastEverybody knows that the naked man and womanAre just a shining artifact of the pastEverybody knows the scene is deadBut there's gonna be a meter on your bedThat will discloseWhat everybody knowsAnd everybody knows that you're in troubleEverybody knows what you've been throughFrom the bloody cross on top of CalvaryTo the beach of MalibuEverybody knows it's coming apartTake one last look at this Sacred HeartBefore it blowsAnd everybody knowsEverybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knowsOh everybody knows, everybody knowsThat's how it goesEverybody knows

Today I made, what I consider a big step into full adulthood. I got up this morning, skipped breakfast as per usual and got myself to work through the morning cold only a minute late, did what I needed to do and then at 9:20 AM, made my way to the Latter Day Saint's Church aka voting center and did my thing. Under my terms, my decision and will.

Being a voting virgin I like to think that I had a good experience and I definitely will do this again next year. After placing my ballot in the machine, I got the complementry sticker and walked through the front doors feeling a little hopeful and a little uneasy.

What's going to happen? Who's going to take over? Will things get better or worse, will we leave Iraq and all the places where we are not wanted and get back to the problems here? Stuff is up in the air, that's for sure, and the unsure reality is frightening... Its a time of change and purpose and we're all in the middle of it.

I didn't start my blog to be a political place. By no means. But I can't help but talk about this election race, the start to finish of dog determination, lies, magic tricks and grandeur (and I'm just talking about McCain's campaign) and the idea of a president of a unique background, someone who's "been there". Hold on tight lady, were going for a ride...

No matter how you voted, the outcome or who you chose, it's a good thing that you did. In a time such as this there needs to be passion and bravery. We'll see tomorrow...

Almost as Good as New...

I can honestly say that it takes more than a year in some cases to get over the traumatic, horrible hurt that someone you once loved and trusted can cause in your life. For me however, its been a time filled with discovery and recovering some type of understanding as to how things are and could be. My future has the posibility to be wonderful and exciting mixed in with a little recklessness and spontaneity.

I've learned to say "fuck you" to those who do me no such good and have opened my arms to those who truly are with me in mind and spirit. As I've said before, a friend once told me that the best revenge is living well. When I think of all the crazy pain I could of put him and everyone around him in, I have to laugh and remember that the grass may not be greener on the other side and whatever he deserves is heading this way, even without my help.

Love and depend on yourself first, and hope for the best later. It may not always be a smooth ride but hell, as long as you take something from the journey, apply and use it for the good of the cause then you have done something extraordinary.

I had honestly thought a year ago that today would be one of the worse days of my life and I still wouldn't be over my ex and miss him like crazy, unable to function like some pitiful shut-in. Maybe at that time I took my will for granted and my pride was wounded, maybe I didn't have enough faith in myself like I do now, but I sit here smiling, and telling my story to you lovely people with the most clearest of thoughts that I've ever had in my entire life. I realized that I'm rapidly forgetting the sound and tone of his voice, the way his face held his emotions and decisions, the way he let me know he was in the room and in my bed. I'm leaving it behind. Maybe that's what its all about, learning to let go as well as holding on to what is important to your survival, your truth and life.

Kiddies, take care and remember that there is two sides to a coin and either it's a step back or forward that can make all the difference.

An Open Letter: Recipient Confidential

My oh my, whomever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you. Things might not of went the way you originally imagined but I still enjoyed myself immensely.

I don't really know you, and I may never get to, but that doesn't bother me one bit. The tenderness and concern you gave me at that moment was unlike any other. The conversation gave me hope.

A big secret that I can tell over and over to myself.

Until next time (if there is one),

- Your Little Hopi Girl

P.S. I could just die when you grin and laugh. I've never seen anything quite like it...

Birthday Wishes 10*9*08

Even from a young age, listening to my parent's worn down copy of Rubber Soul and A Hard Day's Night, I loved him so much for how he made me think and feel. While getting lost in the mood that his lyrics put me in, I realized that this music was influential at a time when the discovery of one's abilities to create beauty through any art form was a pure, undeniable treasure.

I can certainly say that both his work with the Beatles and solo projects that followed later on throughout his career have gotten me through some really tough times. Some sort of strength always manages to puncture through the vocals and tells me that things are going to be alright. Even when crying for the hell of it out of anger and frustration and feeling truly and mercilessly self dependent, I am never alone when his voice is in the room. I'm not afraid to admit that one of the reasons that keeps me from packing it in and quitting is John Lennon.

Writing this makes me realize that I've forever been too protective of myself, my heart and ability. Seriously, never really opening up to those who expect so much of me all of the time. Will I ever get past this attitude? Is it my possible struggle throughout life? Did Lennon feel the same way? I guess the human experience is basically chalked up to resiliency and courage. I need to let go and move on. Focus on the small things like getting up each morning, how good it is to hear real music, how to fall in love again, how to allow myself to be loved and know that I deserve it, and most importantly, how to live and make new moments to replace all that I've endured. I owe it to the Walrus...

ThE aNnIvErSaRy

The calendar days
rip off the walls
tear down the stale wait

I can see it now
the end closer and
waiting for me

I've never been
so, so happier
than ever even imaginable

New things go and
old ways come by
into the picture

Finish line confidant
gracefully radiating through
my body and soul

I can laugh better
than all you know
and still be me, dear

Hearing the news
of what he hasn't
been up to

But I'm not sorry
just a little dream
and a hopeful way

Holding myself
responsible and at peace
resting by my side

A loaded weapon
that I'm not afraid
to use

I am still moving upwards
there's no one
to take it away now

You wild, crazy, beautiful thing.

1925-2008I had a week off of work due to too many piled-up, untaken leave hours (533 to be exact). Today, I'm sadly back to a job that I don't really care for but it pays the bills. Even more depressing was reading the bad news while on my morning net surf. A man that has thrilled and inspired me ever since I first moment that I saw him had passed away on Friday. This is kind of tough to understand. In some way, I had chosen to believe that Paul Newman was immortal, someone who'd we have around forever. Maybe that's what would happen if I had my way with everything, but I guess the man upstairs thinks a little differently.

One of my favorite movies is Nobody's Fool. I tell you this because I think the little extra push of talent behind every role that he undertook made all the difference, even in smaller films you can tell that he gave it his all. Newman's Sullivan was crabby, sarcastic and a little mischievous when it came to women. Someone you can be pissed off and laugh with at the same time. His acting made you think, made you fall in love and took you away from your problems for awhile. He sure did for me.

Thank you for humanitarian work, thank you for the films, memories and images. Most importantly, thank you for showing me that raw emotion and a passionate spirit is beautiful and something not to hide.

H. E. Double Hockey Sticks

Wow, I just looked at the last time I checked in with you all.

A lot has happened during this little hiatus. We had to say goodbye to a fantastic comedian and brilliant soul man in the same weekend, Phelps has won his 80th gold medal and some insane band of "researchers" with too much time on their hands have found bigfoot and claim to have the real deal chilling on ice like a bottle of Moet.

Lately I've been struck with a situation at my job. I usually don't choose to elaborate what's going on in my professional life with strangers on this blog, but the events that may or may not happen are ones that are going to turn my life upside down regardless of outcome. Its not a secret that you can't trust anyone in business, but my god, you have to have a little optimism hidden somewhere behind all the bitter knowledge and cynicism. Otherwise, how the hell else would you survive a nervous breakdown and not bring an M-16 into the building? It just seems that in the 5 years that I've been at my company, I have had to constantly fight and negotiate with people who have it in for me with no real reason other than I work harder than they do. I know I'm sounding amazingly pitiful and whiny but I shit you not, some of the people I work with are fucking crazy and have been there a tad too long...(c'mon, you have to at least know one stupid twat where you work too, if only you had 5 extra minutes, rope and a shovel). What's irking me is that at 23 I have forsaken fun, an actual life and have sacrificed care and commitment in personal relationships to the grind of work. When is it time to pack it all in and call it a day? Do I stay for the cause and reverse the injustice of how I'm treated, or do I flip the bird at my superiors and go on a long vacation after I turn in my resignation? Only the coming weeks have my answer. Even with everything they are not knocking me down. I can bet my entire 401K on that. I'm at a crossroad and holy hell, all the directions are unclear.

Readers (all six of you), if you are having a hard time with something or someone, the situation doesn't matter, you have got to fight as hard as you can, as long as you can. Be one step ahead and cover your bases. Nothing scares bullies more than being outsmarted. They may have the big mouth or the muscle but you will have something way more powerful in creativity, fearlessness and passion. Show them your heart and you will win.

Keep those gloves up.

King of Cool

One of my favorite movies. Can't beat a classic.
McQueen always seems like someone a girl can be protected, terrified and loved by all at the same time. Either way, win or lose he's got your back.

On the Other Hand

There's just some things that happen all too abruptly, but they remind me that I'm not the only one in the world I have to care about.

His name was Wilbur, and I didn't even know that until 3 minutes ago.

You see, most of the time, when running to the store for milk, bread or things I don't really need, but just want to spend the money on, I like to make sure that I don't leave the house without at least checking my appearance (make-up, high heels, clothes). I can't help it, I was brought up that way. In my closet you will not find a pair of sweats or even pajama pants that some girls seem to believe look "cute" during the middle of the friggin' day in public (it's July for godssakes people!) - but I digress. The only problem with ensuring that I look presentable, it attracts annoying googly eyed men who are starved for somethin' young and different from what you usually find at a small town Wal-Mart.

But on one of my trips, when I wasn't feeling to well (or nice looking at that) I was in the produce section looking for something to munch on that I'm not allergic to; I felt, in the back of my head, that someone or something was staring at me. I turned to see a very short, light-skinned man that was robust and round but had a very full head of black hair. He smiled a very full-watt smile that for some reason, made me react with an instant smile. With a equally cheery hello, he nodded in my direction and for once in along time, I wasn't upset with being talked to. For the next couple of years after that, whenever I saw him, the smile and jolliness never faded and it was always a very nice, change of pace feeling when he asked me how my day was. Mind you, I'm not usually treated this wonderfully everyday. I started going to bingo (yeah, like an old lady, I know) to keep my thoughts off of the daily grind and he and his wife were there also. Two very nice and friendly people who, in my opinion, were the sweetest individuals who didn't even need to be. I almost gave up on thinking people were still capable of being that way.

Later on, after thinking he was full-bred Hispanic, he shocked the bejeezus out of me by speaking in perfect Hopi (1/4 of my tribal belonging.) With this nameless guy that I knew, who never objectified me and always treated me with respect, I am just utterly saddened to hear that he died in a car accident coming in from out home (a phrase we Natives use when you go to your family village, whether it be Second Mesa or wherever). I'm speechless at the thought that I never took the opportunity to tell him how nice he was and how much of a blessing he was to just even say "good afternoon" after I've had a bad day. I will miss him and I need to carry on what he has started in me. Be friendly to everyone, live happily, because you just never know.

I felt like the guy in Shawshank Redemption...

Last night proved to be the most fun that I've had in such a long time. I admit, my "going out" policy is too strict and I perhaps don't allow myself enough opportunities to relax like I really should. Even the complements I recieved from random men was a new experience. But rockin' in my seat and listening to B.B. King offer up some simple but useful knowledge from the stage was enough to make me realize that despite some setbacks, I am ultimately in a good place in life. I dunno, maybe it was the atmosphere and the night air, or maybe it was the Mississippi boondock blues that made me think clearly. Either way, I was deeply satisfied.

Well everyone (yes, all...3 or 4 of you), I believe that a long chapter (one filled with twists, turns, splendid ups, miserable downs and occasional dissapointments) in my life is finally coming to an end. Just as the rain hits the ground outside, I am left with the hope that the one person in this world who has caused the most hurt in my romantic life (so far) is starting to fade away into oblivian, out of my head and he's taking another what I consider "nuisance" down with him. For those of you who are currently going through a break-up of some sort. It's important to remember that as long as you are breathing, you're winning. As long as you stay strong, they weaken, and in the end, when you're out there, truly living for yourself, you have made it through. Today was sort of an odd expression of joy and exhiliration, everything including the weather catered to my heart.

The question now is will this beautiful feeling last? Will the new idea of this freedom I have aquired define my life in positive ways? Will I stay this thin and glam? Whatever happens, whatever may be brought to my doorstep, I'll be ready for it. If I've made it this far, why stop and give up? If you're going through this readers as I have, and you've been treated with disrespect, please stay in the fight and knock them on thier ass any way you can. We don't know what's on the other side of the tunnel, we can only hope we are prepared.

Well,

I'm a mess this morning. 'Nuff said.

Alright Ladies!!!!

Happy Fourth of July!

Land of the free, home of the incredibly well sculpted...

Tumblin' Dice

What the hell is happening? Carlin dead at 71? There's gotta be some cosmic balance thing happening soon because all the cool, funny people are leaving. Flooding and fires are rampant, gas prices are a joke, my car is acting up....

I'm going to go to bed, knowing full and damn well that it's going to be the same when I wake up tomorrow.

Say your prayers chitlins'

YOWZA!

So I've been literally operating on criminal speed for the past coupla days. Work, school, homework, more work, crash for 4 hours, get up and do it all over again. "Shotgun Summer" classes is the most insane event that you could put a mind through. Cramming a 500+ page book with 50+ chapters on a subject that is pretty boss but requires full attention within 4 measly weeks is by far the most batshit idea that I've had in years. (Ok, not really, but I don't kiss and tell.)

Anywho, for most of my life (you know, since I was like 3) I have felt a little bit on the outside of things - more than any regular kid would. Even in romantic relationships, I've never felt comfortable enough to fully let myself go. However, over the years I have grown to like my awkwardness, I relish the idea of being "different". This ethic was tossed upside down about 4 days ago...

In taking classes, writing, experiencing and living freely the way I want to, I have realized that I am now more in tune with myself than ever. Did I therefore lose my true self that I had grown to love before, or maybe just improved upon it? Dusting a surface to reveal the shine?

Sociology is something that I've been wanting to get into for a long time. My tendency to overanalyze things and sitting back to observe the chaos has come in mighty handy. I may of finally found a place to belong to. Whenever I set foot in that classroom I can breathe. Watching the information fly over the heads of my classmates and straight into my ears is a wonderful sight. I guess everyone has thier own place in this world. Do what you love, love what you do; that sort of thing. But I want so desperately to see where this first step may lead me. I'm changing so much and so quickly, I'm trying to keep it all in perspective and fun.

Then again, I'm running on empty and little sleep.
It's a proud tired.

Take care all.

Respect Your Elders

Because they have jet planes and the best guitar riffs on planet earth.
Because they wear tight jeans and aren't afraid to show it.
Because they have voices that'll tear your heart in two.
Because they will pound your head in with rock and soul.
Because they sound glorious at extremely loud volume.
Because.

R.I.P Hedley Lamarr

If you've never seen Blazzing Saddles, History of the World Part I, or the wonderfulness that is The Carol Burnett Show (years 64' to 67'), then you need to do yourself a big favor and get your ass to your local movie rental place. Youtube it, buy it on Amazon, just see it.

Harvey Korman, one of my all time favorite actors passed away today at the age of 81.

Out of the instances where I can remember spending actual, real, fun time with my father as a kid is watching the Carlol Burnett Show reruns during dinner and laughing ourselves silly because no matter the situation, no matter the joke, Korman was always great. It's still one of the few things that me and the old man can agree on. There was something in Korman's 6'4" height and amazing versatility that still manages to get my attention. He was just plain funny.

Sad to see another great one gone. Thanks for the memories, laughs and the Great Gazoo.

Working Class

Good Evening.
I apologize for my absence as of late. I've been at work, slaving away, stickin' it to the man and getting yelled at by old, unhappy ladies that have absolutely no fucking business owning a telephone. You know who you are you, ignorant raving crones. Go to hell.

Anywho, The word that could be used to sum up this past week is PERSEVERANCE. If anything I have shown more than I thought I was capable of. It feels good to know that I can do things that seem beyond my ability and confidence.

If anything, all we humans have is time. Time to think, regret, love and so much more. What do you do with your time? The question that sometimes keeps me up is that I wonder if I've wasted it in any way on either someone or something that wasn't worth it. Is working myself to death the only way to achieve some sort of fulfilment? Of course not, but I'm admitting right now that I've found myself using it as an excuse to not get out there and meet people or experiencing things. It's caused me to miss out on alot. This has been going on for a long time and I've got to stop that.

Today it hit me. For once I didn't care if I didn't do everything perfectly. I let the small stuff go without trying to control it, and I was a calmer person for it. Perhaps the fact that I'm learning to do things on my own without the support of a significant other got me to where I am now. I felt as if I had some grand enlightenment allowed into my life. It's a totally beautiful feeling to be self-sufficient and OK with emotions, letting them come and go, allowing yourself to be open to it all. I'm learning.

The picture was taken on a trip to San Francisco last year. It took my breath away. I'm looking forward to being that satisfied again.

One day at a time kids.

"There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose." - K. Hubbard

On to Act II

Lovely Evening Ladies and Gents.

Ahhh, the sun has long since gone to bed, infomercials are gearing up to sell things that people are better of without, and the scent of sweet moisture is mixed in with the cold breeze of night air. I'm coming to you live from my living room couch. Led Zeppelin is our house band and I'm ready to rock.

There's an ice cold Mike's Hard Lemondade sitting patiently by my naked foot, while I recline slightly into the thin, ancient pillows that I have never brought myself to throw away. Yes people, I am trying my best to relax and be humbly greatful for putting in a long day at work. For those of you who know what I'm talking about, Kudo's to you. It takes a lot out of a person to be "makin' the doughnuts." Keep it up, stay strong and hang in there. Payoffs come in all different ways you know.

Well, I've decided to make a few changes for myself and this ride that I call life. I haven't gotten everything figured out but I'm sure as hell going to try and make do with what I have and get my ass to higher ground. I'm not expecting fame or fortune but damn, I want to be happy and if there's only one person I could turn to, to make that happen, it's myself. More on that later, I have to get some shuteye soon. Take care of yourself and don't forget to enjoy things along the way.

Ciao!

When he's not worth it.

I’m so sorry
I was mistaken
I thought I had known you
Better than you did yourself

Lordy I was dumb
To ever think
You could be well
And in your right mind

I screwed up
Your weak heart
And nonexistent sense
Got the best of us

Pardon me, if
I seem upset
You know the reason
Why I hate liars and cheats

But I’m better now
Without the hesitance
Wish you could see and cry
Although it’s better you don’t

Wouldnt want to
Make your head hurt
We both know that
Thinking is hard for you

Guess you’re really done
Nothing honorable left to offer
Me or anyone else
Whatta a waste, sucha shame

You’re so unfortunate
Hollow and too far down
Makes me cringe
To think of your voice

Guess that’s why
I forgot it all, too bad
But now I know more
And I’m thankful to not be around


Saw that you disliked a lot of things
That must be so damned awful
How do you sleep at night
When you can’t stand even yourself

Lazy Ass Chic

Song Playing: Riverside Drive - Peter Buffett: Inside Looking Out

What an amazing six days it has been! I took some time off from work and bloggin' (just cuz' - no real reason other than the fact that I wanted to be lazy) and since Wednesday of last week it's been nothing but laying around the house, opening the doors of my mind, seeing friends, drivin' at criminal speed, and gaining weight on junk food. I also got all of my hair chopped off for Spring. Literally. It's short. Not the greatest styling choice but I am now beyond being upset about it. It'll grow back fast and I finally look my age.

Anywho, you loverly lust kittens (I like that phrase) I hope you're all doing fine and life is at least treating you decent.

Every 5 months or so (without fail) I will be inundated with all things motherhood. Now, people that have known me longer than a month will automatically tell you that I am probably the last person on earth who should be responsible for another human life. I wholeheartedly agree with that because I find it difficult to take care of just myself sometimes. However, it's like a damn curse; I'll start seeing multiple things on pregnancy, little babies/snot nosed kids will find me interesting and try to follow me when I'm at the grocery store, friends from highschool will waddle over to me in public and make me touch the protruding, water balloon for a stomach that they are hauling around all while saying things like "oh, it'll be your turn soon" or "...don't you think babies are cute?" I want to say "HELL NO!!!" and run away but the pure nausea and uneasiness of it all just makes me wince. I don't believe I'm alone when I say that I don't like/want/desire children. I'm not against people having them (if they are totally capable / willing to take on that sort of thing. i.e. Planned Pregnancy). But it's just not me, it's not who I am right now.

I had a good friend tell me that a woman is at her most beautiful when she is carrying a child. Skin is soft, breasts are large and sensual, and the all-talked-about glow kicks in. So why is it that I see so many soon-to-be mothers in sweats, daisy dukes, shirts two sizes too small and dirty flip flops? Now I could understand that a pregnant person wouldn't feel beautiful: tales of morning sickness alone terrify me, but has society lost that old fashioned attitude of appearance? Maternity clothes (what I've seen) look cute, and obviously exist for a reason, but I never see them on girls where I live (small town USA). If I ever have children, will I fall into that trap and remember this blog entry with bitterness and embarrassment? I dunno, but definite Kudos to those of you who have brought life into this world, loved it and took the initiative to have pride in yourself as a woman. You are a lot stronger than I am and not nearly as selfish :)

Hopefully the baby invasion will be over soon and bug me at another time (preferably 20 years to never from now). Until then I'm enjoying the time to myself and not having to answer to anyone. In this golden moment of freedom, I'm choosing to live it up, and have something worthy to brag about when I'm 60. It's all in the experience. Go out and have one today.

Freedom on four wheels

Nothing beats flyin' down an Arizona highway and blasting Van Morrison's lyrics towards the soulful heavens. :)

Sometimes its a good day to die
Sometimes its a good day to have breakfast
Sometimes its a good day to make love
Sometimes its a good day to have a car, ipod, and a valid license.

Today, I was ready for anything. I need more days like this.

me.

Itsa' Mystery!

Is there anyone out there?

Now I can imagine that my one, dare I say three or four readers that have accidentally stumbled onto my sad excuse for a blog have all thought - "What the hell is she smoking?" Well, I'm trying to cut down, but I also just like coming here for the total freedom of expression that I sometimes cannot get out here in the real world. To get to this place and say what I feel even if it doesn't make sense is a good, creative outlet for a person like me. Many lives have been spared because I don't have to carry around extra anxiety from a day at work - sometimes I just wish I could beat the living crap out of some people. I don't have to daydream about slamming a rude person's head into the pavement, I can get rid of it all here.

With this era of change that I have started in my life, (since 6 months ago) I want to do what feels right and is pleasing to me and my soul... not what is granted as "socially acceptable" by anyone's standards. If I was writing this at the starting point, where life as I knew it (for the past 8 years) was wonderful and perfect, you wouldn't be getting the real me in the lines of text. It took losing everything that I loved and lived for to get me into such a realistic state of satisfaction with who I am as an individual.

I've worked up to the point where I actually feel sorry for the guy who did horrible things to me and our relationship, ruining what we had forever. I've forgiven him already, what else is there to do? What if he came to my door and wanted me back? He's on my mind, but not in the way that it used to hurt me anymore. The major earthquake of emotion, change, loss, strength, loneliness and anger that shook my being through and through really did wonders for me. I guess what I really am saying today is an apology for what I've written thus far. I have so many thoughts, ideas and hopes floating around in my brain, too hard to concentrate, and what actually gets written isn't really a full description of who MataHari is. In the future, I hope to be able to keep this up and write some meaningful posts. Thanks.

Guilt

What am I to do with You?
When you're convinced things are over
And a long day is gone forever
Nobody left to rely on in my world

A short silence interrupted
Your call, weak and static
You tell me new things
That I thought I'd be more happier to hear

Again you leave abruptly
I'm more confused than before
Is it all a dream, a cheap ploy
To get me back where I was, with you?

Making it Hard on Myself.

At what point do you start trusting people? When do you let them in? Usually I steer clear of gaining a true connection with others because it never lasts. Either lines are crossed and the relationship comes to a head where I am forced to chose whether I want to put myself through something, or we just slowly fade away from one another, sort of like a dream that I knew I had, but can't remember any of it. Losing touch with countless people and moving on in life seems to be a reoccurring theme. I'm unsure and all too willing to cut ties to save me some pain or guilt. However, I make no apologies.

Only now when I have met people that have brought so much to my life do I find myself rearranging all of these past ideals that I've kept close to my heart for protection. People I have found may be leaving the state soon, but I'm not losing friends, I'm gaining a slight notion that things can get better, and that someone can care about me if I only let them. When is the jaded kid inside of me going to wake up and realize that not everyone is bad, or has a hidden agenda? I can be an excellent lover, but I've never really given second thought to being a good friend instead. Maybe now is the time to take chances on that. Allow them in, to learn what it can be like to finally have mutual respect and not just one or two meaningless reasons to know someone. Its not to late. Make the most of whatever you have, right?

Tell Me

Have you seen this man?
With eyes that smile,
And a touch of unique love
Soothing through large hands

Have you seen this soul?
Everything to me, capable
Open and real, even if it hurt
A mind revealed and unkempt

Have you seen that body?
Thin and familiar to my hands
Skin low valley and ridge bones
Once respected and cherished

The man is missing.
Everything in me, the rich fulfillment
So-called happiness momentary
Turned away and heartless cold

The soul is broken.
Used and untrue cheating
Itself and others, no one answer
Lost is the only suggestion given

The body is no more.
Gone from my eyes, wasted
Banished and shameful,
At what cost, everything it had

In a Lifetime

Radiant rhythm and lovely
Deception upon mercy, many ruthless hearts
Broken, then reborn under
Dark smoky cover
We all made our own names
Accepted, unlabeled, misconceived and fierce

Out there, bodies twisted
Two forms into one, and instant love established
Carnal embrace and passion amplified
Music the conversation, powerful force overcome
Breaking down walls, overcoming fear, realizing potential

Dreams were made and destroyed, drama tonight
Glamour possessed and ideas fought
I'm in the middle of it all.
Dancing, ever creation – memory of youth
Looking around, what are we all here for?

Apprehension

It’s four in the morning and every step forward that he takes makes his body hurt in some constricting way. His left eye socket feels swollen and his bottom lip viciously stung due to it being severely split near the corner of his mouth, breathing also was a labored task. It is needless to say that he is in bad shape, but none worse than he had ever been in his life. This was nothing new, he could easily handle the hurt and how he looked. However, the truly amazing but sad part was how he had ended up in this condition in the first place, and particularly who it was exactly that had handed his ass to him. The existence of a true professional, hired gun meant that he had long since given up on compensating for his outward appearance and cautious mannerisms. His face was a criss-crossed road map of small scars, a scenic view of one too many close calls, violence, and an all-around disregard for one’s own mortality.

The landscape of his features is a beautiful compilation of tone and structure. His handsomeness, which he has never admitted to having, was distinguished in an odd fashion; the recent, slight graying at his temples provided an air of wisdom and delicate knowledge for all the wrong things. His eyes, heartbreakingly beautiful, sharp and intimidating were the last of what anyone saw when he came to their door to carry out a job. Many men have looked into those dark eyes and instantly saw their own death; nothing personal, just business, no hesitance. Always has it been said that the first job is undoubtedly nerve-racking, with a nauseated fury; all things go shocking red and finally fade to black after the last breath leaves the lungs of a marked client and the adrenaline finally subsides.

He had started to remember exactly what is was like for him on his first time; when he was younger and braver in those days, less prone to falling into the snares of deep ethical thoughts that now seem to forever occupy his time. He had been following the guy for less than two days, tirelessly noting routines and gaining insight on when the best moment to take his life would be. When the time finally came down to the wire, he was ready, and the hit never even saw him coming. Every player in the trade had a grand philosophy for what they did, a wicked mantra of unworthy justification. To him, it was all just bullshit excuses. He was realistic about what he was, and what he did to survive. He didn’t need a false sense of purpose because in the end, everyone was in it for the money.

The cold breeze that struck his cheekbones like a hard backhand had rolled in off of the Pacific waves, and straight into the heart of the city. Stoic, ancient buildings stood tall, dark and silent; empathetic to his slight limp that he was now carrying. The streets are damp and posses a calm, dark mood. Uphill, Sisyphean battles were being fought between his tired feet and the law of gravity. The area was surprisingly empty for a large metropolis. The late night party children and social vampires had long since gone home to recuperate from a long night of sin and absolute bedlam. Deserted and quiet, the whole world had gone to sleep, leaving him alone with a lifetime worth of thoughts. His journey has started approximately fifteen blocks in the opposite direction of where he was heading. Powell Street had never looked so attractive. He had once walked in Union Square during the middle of the day; the anonymity that a large population and tourist ridden place that was provided was a remarkable comfort.

Keeping himself out of the enemy’s view had gotten to be difficult. He wasn’t sure if the business of contractors and clients had changed overnight, but he was damn certain that the times had become hard to comprehend. He held onto the old school values of how things were to be done correctly. Now it had become all about drug trade and a false ideal of respect that was thrown around so freely. Many younger, hungrier, impressionable men had fiercely exploded onto the scene, willing to have nearly anyone who dared to hinder their success killed or maimed. They are more interested in making a name for themselves than anything else, which included doing their own work and getting their hands dirty. Organizations that were once strong, and feared had now become nothing more than laughable caricatures of themselves. It made him sick and depressed to know that he was part of a dying breed. He needed to hang it all up and walk away while he still had the ability to use both of his legs. Tonight’s job couldn’t of gone any more wrong than it had, he had lost his talent, he had only gotten older, and that, more than anything, caused him the most pain.

He had been paid upfront to take care of a domestic dispute between two prominent members of a large union. The requesting party was an up-and coming son of a deceased boss and the hit is his adopted sister. She had wanted out after the old man’s death, and the son knew he couldn’t afford her openly living out in the world. Her defiance proved that the risk of establishment’s activities being blown was far too high, and she couldn’t be trusted. The drama of it all is what interested our man to the deal in the first place. The money was more than he had ever been offered before. In his own way, he had also wanted out, and this was a wide, open door staring him in the face. It wasn’t usually his style to get caught up in the finer details. The brother was nothing more than a cheap excuse for a person. The only thing that his father’s people had liked about him was the possibility that he could easily be gotten rid of. The hit man also disregarded the fact that the girl was not much older than twenty-five, he ignored the way her lips turned into a grin instead of a smile, he didn’t feel lonely following her around for hours at a time – always a few steps behind, and there was no hint of sadness when he had decided that she didn’t deserve what was going to happen to her.

After a week, he was ready to make his final move. During his entire time of surveillance he had tailed her to a downtown dance hall repeatedly. She went almost every night, always around eleven and leaving around three in the morning. He thought it fitting that she should enjoy herself before he had to take it all away. She had danced hypnotically the entire night, alone an unwilling to let the men hitting on her get close. From the club’s balcony, he watched her like a perched gargoyle. Her arms, long and thin, swirled around and caressed her curves seductively. The hills and valleys of her body were smooth and alive. He thought of all the places in the world he had been, and how nothing was comparable to this territory. He figured that Columbus must have felt the same way when his boat hit the foreign shore… His original plan was to grab her and catch her point blank as she was leaving, but the more he watched, the more he let himself go. He was losing focus; it was almost time for her to be going. With a deep sigh, he had made his way down the curved stairs; the D.J. announced the last song. People were forming groups and couples for after parties and one-night, love stories. In all the excitement in the atmosphere of the dancehall, he had lost track of her small frame, she had moved quickly, had he missed his chance?

He stood on the bottom step and desperately scanned the sea of hair and limbs. He began to become aggravated with himself until he heard a voice behind him. “You really shouldn’t let people sneak up behind you.” He felt the pressure of perhaps something sharp in the small of his back. His jacket however, dulled the sensation. Without turning around he replied, “I’m not the one you want to talk to, I was hired.” She laughed, and he found that threatening. “Turn around; I don’t believe we have had the pleasure of formally meeting.” He did so, but slowly, they looked at each other, both careful not to reveal true feelings or fear. She slowly started to back away; she knew that she could only defend herself for so long. The silenced stares made for quite a showdown, but to anyone else around, they looked like two people in the middle of an awkward but phenomenal hook-up. He instantly realized that she had planned it this way all along, he had been fooled. The party girl was not what she seemed. He looked at her as if she could have been one of the biggest rivals in his entire illustrious career, and she returned a hard look, solidifying his thought. When did she catch on to him?

Out of embarrassment and pure anger, he lunged for her, if this was going to end badly he didn’t care. He had taken many people down, much larger than her, but they had all been unaware of his presence beforehand. As if she had a hair-trigger reaction to his movement, she was prepared. The sharp object he thought he had felt earlier was in all actuality a beer bottle. She quickly swung it towards his face and it landed with a resounding thud. The glass refused to break, causing her to catch him again with one swift turn of the wrist. She then began wildly fighting and swearing to garner as much attention as she could from the onlookers. He managed to quickly get a couple of shots in, knocking the air out of her and quieting her yells. It was a real fight they had gotten into. Drunk and concerned men surrounded them, and suddenly he was consumed and felt four sets of fists violently ringing his bell. She used this as a cue to escape, they took one last blurry look at each other and she was gone quickly and was thrown out soon after.

The sun is now coming up over the skyline; she’s somewhere far away by now, nursing her own wounds. He had failed for the first time. In all his misery and humiliation he grinned when he saw the faint light and glow of the sun. Another day had risen, and another chance was made. He was contemplating and looking forward to their meeting again. He was sure of that.

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes

An assignment from class

In a paragraph, describe the following:

1. What a stifled scream looks like.

Once, while at the Mecca of “Roll Back Prices” (Wal-Mart), I nearly witnessed a quadruple homicide. A young mother of four boys, all under the age of 10 was in the check-out lane, holding an innumerable amount of clipped coupons and looking exhausted. The boys, a collective hell-spawn of ornery, snot-nosed brats were raising hell like it was their last day alive. Food from opened boxes was flying in all directions, cusswords thrown around like everyday business; it was a scary sight to behold. The youngest, which, in my opinion was probably the worst, had picked up a gallon of milk and was holding it dangerously close to the edge of the handlebar. He looked purely evil, grinning with two huge buckteeth, and pondering the outcome of what he was about to do next. Suddenly, the milk came down, as in slow motion, falling...falling…BAM-GUSH! The mother’s shoes were absolutely white, and her face couldn’t have been more red. She shook violently, her tiny body convulsing as if she was in an earthquake all by herself. Her eyes even seemed to have nearly crossed. I was instantly reminded of Yosemite Sam when he almost shot his own foot off. All she needed was the steam escaping from her ears. Despite how comical her reaction, it took nearly everything she had to not just destroy the entire store with her rage. A few tears gathered at the corner of her eyes as people rushed to help clean up the spill. A small but worthless smile was all she could manage; this was a woman on the edge.


2. What a black rose sounds like.

I will scream disruption
A thorn in your side
My swollen petals
Showing what you can’t have

Not afraid to charm you
It’s all I have left
Now forget me not
It’s what you’ll never hear

Lies spoken, wicked heart
Beautiful sound
Piercing your deaf ear

I’m not to be trusted

3. What a riot smells like.

The bitter sweet aroma of sweat and fear filled the air. Gasoline burned my nose as the fires consumed buildings of dirt and wet brick. The rain, at first, had been welcomed by many, cleansing the earth with its fragrant, calming reassurance, but later on, the rancid mud intermingled with leaking chemicals causing discomfort and sickness. The hot tires of police and ambulance vehicles smoked furiously upon leaving, and literally choked whoever was in their vicinity with the notion of burned rubber and melted asphalt. So many angry, bleeding, beaten people were wandering around lost and aimless. It was like stepping into a dialysis clinic for the first time; the one thing that you noticed from the beginning is the scent of blood and oncoming death. Then the S.W.A.T. came, a black menacing power. The tear gas was harsh, bitter and suffocating, tearing at my lungs with foggy aftertaste.

4. What falling in love tastes like.

It’s so hard, you know
On the weak knees
Giving all your best
Just to simply please

Stumbling and falling
Over and so far down
Wanting a sweet kiss
Planted on your dizzy frown

Striving and trying
You like her skirt
But all you ever get is
A mouthful of dirt

Yum!

Looking for a Saving Grace

We unconciously look for certain people to be in our young lives, those who will do a little something extra for us in the esteem department. With developed, before our time knowledge, they bring our minds to a point of enlightenment and often provide a drive for us to better ourselves. We love them for how wanted they make us feel when they give us attention and praise that we missed out on. They are a substitute parental figure without all the guilt, resentment or pressure. They are our favorite people.

Sometimes, we are at a loss when we find out they too have shortcomings, fears and problems. It makes you think; "Is the world full of nothing but broken people?" What I have chosen to do lately is to embrace those faults with an open mind. Knowing that it may just be responsible for creating the person you love. However, with all the leniency I may give, I feel that (at this moment in life anyway) that I am the only person I could ever truly rely on. I get myself out of situations. I can chose to love myself just the way I am. I am my biggest fan. This sometimes gets in the way of letting people in.

My question is, where are our heros? Where are those princes and white horses when all we see is wicked witches and big, ugly towers. Do people with rough childhoods become so jaded at such a young age that we fail to see the romanticism and allure of finding a true confidant? Is it us or them? They are not the enemy, we are.

In the beginning....

I love the way that the world looks in the late afternoon. The pale sunlight burning through the cream curtains of my living room reminds me that I need to be grateful and happy. It's a new day, and my life is beginning. I am alone with so many others.

What will today bring me? What or who will I encounter? The truth of the matter is, is that I don't know, and I will never leave my home in complete charge of anything. Even though I may think that I am, I have to give myself over to a higher power (whatever it is) and just let it go, take me where it wills me to be. That's the key, that's the trick. I do so with a grin.