Itsa' Mystery!

Is there anyone out there?

Now I can imagine that my one, dare I say three or four readers that have accidentally stumbled onto my sad excuse for a blog have all thought - "What the hell is she smoking?" Well, I'm trying to cut down, but I also just like coming here for the total freedom of expression that I sometimes cannot get out here in the real world. To get to this place and say what I feel even if it doesn't make sense is a good, creative outlet for a person like me. Many lives have been spared because I don't have to carry around extra anxiety from a day at work - sometimes I just wish I could beat the living crap out of some people. I don't have to daydream about slamming a rude person's head into the pavement, I can get rid of it all here.

With this era of change that I have started in my life, (since 6 months ago) I want to do what feels right and is pleasing to me and my soul... not what is granted as "socially acceptable" by anyone's standards. If I was writing this at the starting point, where life as I knew it (for the past 8 years) was wonderful and perfect, you wouldn't be getting the real me in the lines of text. It took losing everything that I loved and lived for to get me into such a realistic state of satisfaction with who I am as an individual.

I've worked up to the point where I actually feel sorry for the guy who did horrible things to me and our relationship, ruining what we had forever. I've forgiven him already, what else is there to do? What if he came to my door and wanted me back? He's on my mind, but not in the way that it used to hurt me anymore. The major earthquake of emotion, change, loss, strength, loneliness and anger that shook my being through and through really did wonders for me. I guess what I really am saying today is an apology for what I've written thus far. I have so many thoughts, ideas and hopes floating around in my brain, too hard to concentrate, and what actually gets written isn't really a full description of who MataHari is. In the future, I hope to be able to keep this up and write some meaningful posts. Thanks.