Monday, April 28, 2008

Lazy Ass Chic

Song Playing: Riverside Drive - Peter Buffett: Inside Looking Out

What an amazing six days it has been! I took some time off from work and bloggin' (just cuz' - no real reason other than the fact that I wanted to be lazy) and since Wednesday of last week it's been nothing but laying around the house, opening the doors of my mind, seeing friends, drivin' at criminal speed, and gaining weight on junk food. I also got all of my hair chopped off for Spring. Literally. It's short. Not the greatest styling choice but I am now beyond being upset about it. It'll grow back fast and I finally look my age.

Anywho, you loverly lust kittens (I like that phrase) I hope you're all doing fine and life is at least treating you decent.

Every 5 months or so (without fail) I will be inundated with all things motherhood. Now, people that have known me longer than a month will automatically tell you that I am probably the last person on earth who should be responsible for another human life. I wholeheartedly agree with that because I find it difficult to take care of just myself sometimes. However, it's like a damn curse; I'll start seeing multiple things on pregnancy, little babies/snot nosed kids will find me interesting and try to follow me when I'm at the grocery store, friends from highschool will waddle over to me in public and make me touch the protruding, water balloon for a stomach that they are hauling around all while saying things like "oh, it'll be your turn soon" or "...don't you think babies are cute?" I want to say "HELL NO!!!" and run away but the pure nausea and uneasiness of it all just makes me wince. I don't believe I'm alone when I say that I don't like/want/desire children. I'm not against people having them (if they are totally capable / willing to take on that sort of thing. i.e. Planned Pregnancy). But it's just not me, it's not who I am right now.

I had a good friend tell me that a woman is at her most beautiful when she is carrying a child. Skin is soft, breasts are large and sensual, and the all-talked-about glow kicks in. So why is it that I see so many soon-to-be mothers in sweats, daisy dukes, shirts two sizes too small and dirty flip flops? Now I could understand that a pregnant person wouldn't feel beautiful: tales of morning sickness alone terrify me, but has society lost that old fashioned attitude of appearance? Maternity clothes (what I've seen) look cute, and obviously exist for a reason, but I never see them on girls where I live (small town USA). If I ever have children, will I fall into that trap and remember this blog entry with bitterness and embarrassment? I dunno, but definite Kudos to those of you who have brought life into this world, loved it and took the initiative to have pride in yourself as a woman. You are a lot stronger than I am and not nearly as selfish :)

Hopefully the baby invasion will be over soon and bug me at another time (preferably 20 years to never from now). Until then I'm enjoying the time to myself and not having to answer to anyone. In this golden moment of freedom, I'm choosing to live it up, and have something worthy to brag about when I'm 60. It's all in the experience. Go out and have one today.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Freedom on four wheels

Nothing beats flyin' down an Arizona highway and blasting Van Morrison's lyrics towards the soulful heavens. :)

Sometimes its a good day to die
Sometimes its a good day to have breakfast
Sometimes its a good day to make love
Sometimes its a good day to have a car, ipod, and a valid license.

Today, I was ready for anything. I need more days like this.

Monday, April 21, 2008


Itsa' Mystery!

Is there anyone out there?

Now I can imagine that my one, dare I say three or four readers that have accidentally stumbled onto my sad excuse for a blog have all thought - "What the hell is she smoking?" Well, I'm trying to cut down, but I also just like coming here for the total freedom of expression that I sometimes cannot get out here in the real world. To get to this place and say what I feel even if it doesn't make sense is a good, creative outlet for a person like me. Many lives have been spared because I don't have to carry around extra anxiety from a day at work - sometimes I just wish I could beat the living crap out of some people. I don't have to daydream about slamming a rude person's head into the pavement, I can get rid of it all here.

With this era of change that I have started in my life, (since 6 months ago) I want to do what feels right and is pleasing to me and my soul... not what is granted as "socially acceptable" by anyone's standards. If I was writing this at the starting point, where life as I knew it (for the past 8 years) was wonderful and perfect, you wouldn't be getting the real me in the lines of text. It took losing everything that I loved and lived for to get me into such a realistic state of satisfaction with who I am as an individual.

I've worked up to the point where I actually feel sorry for the guy who did horrible things to me and our relationship, ruining what we had forever. I've forgiven him already, what else is there to do? What if he came to my door and wanted me back? He's on my mind, but not in the way that it used to hurt me anymore. The major earthquake of emotion, change, loss, strength, loneliness and anger that shook my being through and through really did wonders for me. I guess what I really am saying today is an apology for what I've written thus far. I have so many thoughts, ideas and hopes floating around in my brain, too hard to concentrate, and what actually gets written isn't really a full description of who MataHari is. In the future, I hope to be able to keep this up and write some meaningful posts. Thanks.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


What am I to do with You?
When you're convinced things are over
And a long day is gone forever
Nobody left to rely on in my world

A short silence interrupted
Your call, weak and static
You tell me new things
That I thought I'd be more happier to hear

Again you leave abruptly
I'm more confused than before
Is it all a dream, a cheap ploy
To get me back where I was, with you?

Monday, April 7, 2008

Making it Hard on Myself.

At what point do you start trusting people? When do you let them in? Usually I steer clear of gaining a true connection with others because it never lasts. Either lines are crossed and the relationship comes to a head where I am forced to chose whether I want to put myself through something, or we just slowly fade away from one another, sort of like a dream that I knew I had, but can't remember any of it. Losing touch with countless people and moving on in life seems to be a reoccurring theme. I'm unsure and all too willing to cut ties to save me some pain or guilt. However, I make no apologies.

Only now when I have met people that have brought so much to my life do I find myself rearranging all of these past ideals that I've kept close to my heart for protection. People I have found may be leaving the state soon, but I'm not losing friends, I'm gaining a slight notion that things can get better, and that someone can care about me if I only let them. When is the jaded kid inside of me going to wake up and realize that not everyone is bad, or has a hidden agenda? I can be an excellent lover, but I've never really given second thought to being a good friend instead. Maybe now is the time to take chances on that. Allow them in, to learn what it can be like to finally have mutual respect and not just one or two meaningless reasons to know someone. Its not to late. Make the most of whatever you have, right?