Make it Count

Im in week 3 of a cold/flu/sinus mutation-illness. Can't seem to shake it, and no matter how many dual-action Ricola's I take, I still don't sound like I should. If anyone else out there is dealing with this super bug I wish you comfort and speedy recovery. This is definitely not fun. Despite feeling cruddy I came back to work after a pleasing holiday and didn't take any sick days.

Usually, I go through this time of year with a calm yet strong feeling of reality twinged aggressiveness. My heart and brain automatically switch to survival mode. I do this for my own personal reasons and past...events. In the recent years we've seen the economy become what it is and it seems like even before turkey day the news is hitting you with every bummer report out there and how politicians are fighting about issues ranging from campaign music to foreign situations. By the time the jolly fat man makes his way to your hometown, you are either sick of the whole damn thing or terrified.

2011 has been a hell of a up and down year. Not just for me personally but for a lot of people. The "perk" of living in a small town such as I do is that I hear about everyone's story (even if I don't want to) in one way or another. I try my best to keep to myself, focus on my situation and I can't tell you enough of how much I dislike the gossip aspect of a community but every now and then word comes around that someone you know is having a tough time. Either they no longer have a job, home, or there is violence, alcoholism, drug use-name-the-ailment in the home. My town has seen such a rise in suicides that it wasn't a matter of when, it was how many this week?

My job(s), although I am grateful for everything they have provided me have gotten to me emotionally more this year than I can remember since I ever was first employed. I deal with people every day who are rude to absurd levels because they can hide behind a phonecall or a title. I'm embarrassed to be associated with such people at times. Both culterally and professionaly. I can honestly say with true sincerity that I am not blowing that sentiment out of proportion. People got to start putting themselves in check.

I'm not a New Year's Resolution type of person, never have been. But sitting back and reviewing my past 12 months on this earth has been interesting. I've had to do some housecleaning when it came to people who I once had viewed as friends and despite not admitting this to many, I was really hurt by thier actions. I wrestled with (still do) the fact that I may or may not be ready to get back out there and trust someone in an romantic way. It depends on the day truly. I learned through experience how much I'm willing to endure and how to stand up for myself when I need to, and finally I learned that I should not limit my capabilites with anything. Self-improvement is a continuous process, it never stops even if you feel like giving up. I am much more independent and I appreciate the way I think things through, it's saved me a bunch of trouble. I gave up cigarettes and even though I miss em' sometimes, it was the best decision for me health-wise. There was a lot done this year. I made it through.

I can't change everything that I deal with, I can't change those rude people but that's alright. I can keep myself in check.

It's all a test.

Happy New Year and Holidays Everyone

Lucerne: A Portrait

A seasonal backyard-crasher.
I was pleased that he wasn't scared of me or the camera.

Calm Grace

A pic taken last month, I so do love my camera.

My moon, my man, so changeable and such a loveable lamb to me. My care, my coat, leave on a high note, there's nowhere to go but on. Heart on my sleeve, not where it should be, the song's out of key again My moon's white face, what day and what phase ? It's the calendar page again. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. My moon and me not as good as we've been It's the dirtiest clean I know. My care, my coat, leave on a high note There's nowhere to go, there's nowhere to go. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. Take it slow, take it easy on me Shed some light, shed some light on it please. My moon, the moon, my man, my moon, the moon, my man. My moon, the moon, my man, my moon, the moon, my man. - Feist

Its The Way She Moves

A common misconception that most people have about me is that they think I'm tall. This isn't true at all. I'm probably what is considered as "average" 5'6", nothing special. But I do like wearing high heels and find it pretty easy to walk around in any 3 inch heel without any problem, there have even been times were I've had to sprint in them. Entertaining to watch, but trust me, it takes skill. I like that about myself.

I mentioned the height thing because lately, it seems that there has been something or other just ready and willing to knock me down. Whether it's people, accidents or my own insecurities regarding life, my career or whatever - I'm always fighting to keep going, fighting to make it through. Sometimes I win, sometimes I'm flat on the floor trying to cover and protect the vulnerable parts. My mind is always set 3 steps ahead of whoever may be wanting to do me any type of harm.

Today, in the midst of chaos I realized that I go through my existence like I'm 6 feet tall and that is what people are seeing. Maybe this is the key, the clever trick. Maybe I'm only fooling myself. But if there's anything I've learned it is that whatever does it for you is alright. I used to be embarrassed of my opinionated self, I used to tone it down when people challenged me by being judgmental. Doing that caused me nothing but headaches and anxiety. But you know, I'm finding that there's nothing wrong with a girl (even a short one) that has a backbone. I like being tough and feminine all in the same body. Sometimes it seems that there's no guy out there who wants anything to do with someone like me, other times I could care less because I'm selfish and I enjoy my independence.  


Bottom line, if you see me walking your way, you better be ready. 

Open Your Eyes

Oh what these eyes have seen
They've held your attention
Confronted your glory and shame
Softened the verbal attack
Ignited passion upon command
With a simple gaze or
A smoldering once-over
Looking through and through
At what is and isn't visible

The Sad Truth - THE ISOLATOR

Well, both funny and sad.
Sometimes I think I need one of these things to help me forget about everyone and everything that gets me stressed. Other times I worry that this is what I'll look like in a few years if I don't get my ass in gear and get out there and meet people...
What's the true rule of measure when it comes to wanting privacy, enjoying being alone and loving independence?

Knock Knock, Who's There

A quick note to those kids who plan on knocking on my door, trying to score free candy tomorrow night:
NO WORTHY COSTUME, NO FUCKING CANDY.
That is all.

Bloomin'