Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Almost as Good as New...

I can honestly say that it takes more than a year in some cases to get over the traumatic, horrible hurt that someone you once loved and trusted can cause in your life. For me however, its been a time filled with discovery and recovering some type of understanding as to how things are and could be. My future has the posibility to be wonderful and exciting mixed in with a little recklessness and spontaneity.

I've learned to say "fuck you" to those who do me no such good and have opened my arms to those who truly are with me in mind and spirit. As I've said before, a friend once told me that the best revenge is living well. When I think of all the crazy pain I could of put him and everyone around him in, I have to laugh and remember that the grass may not be greener on the other side and whatever he deserves is heading this way, even without my help.

Love and depend on yourself first, and hope for the best later. It may not always be a smooth ride but hell, as long as you take something from the journey, apply and use it for the good of the cause then you have done something extraordinary.

I had honestly thought a year ago that today would be one of the worse days of my life and I still wouldn't be over my ex and miss him like crazy, unable to function like some pitiful shut-in. Maybe at that time I took my will for granted and my pride was wounded, maybe I didn't have enough faith in myself like I do now, but I sit here smiling, and telling my story to you lovely people with the most clearest of thoughts that I've ever had in my entire life. I realized that I'm rapidly forgetting the sound and tone of his voice, the way his face held his emotions and decisions, the way he let me know he was in the room and in my bed. I'm leaving it behind. Maybe that's what its all about, learning to let go as well as holding on to what is important to your survival, your truth and life.

Kiddies, take care and remember that there is two sides to a coin and either it's a step back or forward that can make all the difference.

Monday, October 20, 2008

An Open Letter: Recipient Confidential

My oh my, whomever you are, thank you, thank you, thank you. Things might not of went the way you originally imagined but I still enjoyed myself immensely.
I don't really know you, and I may never get to, but that doesn't bother me one bit. The tenderness and concern you gave me at that moment was unlike any other. The conversation gave me hope.
A big secret that I can tell over and over to myself.
Until next time (if there is one),
- Your Little Hopi Girl
P.S. I could just die when you grin and laugh. I've never seen anything quite like it...

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Birthday Wishes 10*9*08

Even from a young age, listening to my parent's worn down copy of Rubber Soul and A Hard Day's Night, I loved him so much for how he made me think and feel. While getting lost in the mood that his lyrics put me in, I realized that this music was influential at a time when the discovery of one's abilities to create beauty through any art form was a pure, undeniable treasure.
I can certainly say that both his work with the Beatles and solo projects that followed later on throughout his career have gotten me through some really tough times. Some sort of strength always manages to puncture through the vocals and tells me that things are going to be alright. Even when crying for the hell of it out of anger and frustration and feeling truly and mercilessly self dependent, I am never alone when his voice is in the room. I'm not afraid to admit that one of the reasons that keeps me from packing it in and quitting is John Lennon.
Writing this makes me realize that I've forever been too protective of myself, my heart and ability. Seriously, never really opening up to those who expect so much of me all of the time. Will I ever get past this attitude? Is it my possible struggle throughout life? Did Lennon feel the same way? I guess the human experience is basically chalked up to resiliency and courage. I need to let go and move on. Focus on the small things like getting up each morning, how good it is to hear real music, how to fall in love again, how to allow myself to be loved and know that I deserve it, and most importantly, how to live and make new moments to replace all that I've endured. I owe it to the Walrus...

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

ThE aNnIvErSaRy

The calendar days
rip off the walls
tear down the stale wait

I can see it now
the end closer and
waiting for me

I've never been
so, so happier
than ever even imaginable

New things go and
old ways come by
into the picture

Finish line confidant
gracefully radiating through
my body and soul

I can laugh better
than all you know
and still be me, dear

Hearing the news
of what he hasn't
been up to

But I'm not sorry
just a little dream
and a hopeful way

Holding myself
responsible and at peace
resting by my side

A loaded weapon
that I'm not afraid
to use

I am still moving upwards
there's no one
to take it away now